Tonight there are no pictures or cute stories. Tonight is not full of printables of songs, quotes or to hang on a classroom wall. Tonight my heart feels heavy. Today I woke up but something in my spirit didn't feel quite right. I couldn't put my finger on it and nothing specific to point to but I was cautious about my day. And what a day it was. It went fast but the moments seemed too long. Today tested me and it stretched my limits. In the big picture, my day was insignificant and petty. People elsewhere are wondering how they will survive to the next day because they can't figure out where they will get their next meal from. Families in Brussels had their lives shattered because some idiot thought he was making a statement by blowing up people who didn't do anything but wake up to go about their day and had nothing to do with the decision that "offended" you. I put my day into perspective and I tell myself repeatedly to shut up. I know where my next meal is coming from. No one I know died today. And no matter what else happened I still ended the day alive and breathing. So I want to tell myself to shut up, just breathe and move on. Do that thing that Irish people do so well. Ya know that thing that comedian John Mulaney describes so well, "The plan with Irish people is I'll keep all my emotions right here (pointing to the middle of his chest) and then one day I'll die." And that's what I've done for as long as I can remember. Not wanting to create a burden on someone else, I just kept it inside. And that's not a good option. Those feelings I never shared nearly ended me, literally. So no matter what perspective I put it in, no matter how I try to play it off today is a day that is weighing on me. I won't be able to fix it. Today will end and tomorrow will be new and I'll have to move on and see people and talk and go through motions but I wonder will I really hit my reset button tonight. Will I move on? Or will it still feel hollow? I started this school year optimistic and the biggest contributing factor of that is that I was happy with who I was as a person. I embraced all my inner nerdiness and for the first could have cared less what random people thought or even co-workers or close friends because I can only control me, not them or their reactions. I was doing new things and was doing things I had no idea I was capable I was doing, seeing how strong I really am. Letting people see me crack and show a little crazy too so they could help and we could continue to do great things. Then it started to all slip from my grasp. Most it's me being paranoid and since 2016 everything that took me so long to build, I was unraveling piece by piece. Frustration has been a near constant companion. Frustrated and tired of people who could care less do their job or take pride in it. Frustrated and tired of parents not being cooperative partners but instead want to blame teachers and the school when your child didn't perform or didn't behave. I'm tired of parents not taking responsibility for their children. I love my daughter. I think she is smart and amazing and creative but she's not perfect and she messes up and she pushes her boundaries. She's a kid, she'll do that. However, I accept she'll falter and fall and sometimes she'll get hurt and sometimes she'll need consequences for her actions so she understand those behaviors are not acceptable and those behaviors will always have consequences no matter how old she is or where she tries to pull them off. She's fallible, just like I am, just as we all are. She goes to school where I work. I love it. However, just because I work there doesn't mean she needs special treatment. I still love her just as much when I send her off to her classroom with a hug as I do when she tries to get me to come in her classroom to hug her during math and I just wave but won't go in. I need students to take ownership of their learning and their behaviors. I may not like it, it may not have been safe, you might have made someone bleed or put a wrinkle in their heart but we'll talk about it and we'll move on. I'm not interested in your excuses or what the other person did (that's between me and that person) I need students to be able to have a dialogue with me so we can have a teachable moment about how we treat others and some strategies to handle different situations that they might not like. Social and emotional education does not end in Kindergarten, it still continues well past elementary school. I feel frustrated and indignant and I have no control over them. I can only deal with me. So today, I didn't like how some handled or didn't handle their classes or responsibilities, I didn't like how some students were not bothered about not working on their art project on abstract expressionism and took the 0 for the day. I didn't like how parents think they can barge into an office and talk to me or my principal however you want. I have support at school, I see people who are still trying and haven't given up but I felt alone and beat up upon. Today the feelings didn't bounce off, I couldn't talk them away, I can't sing them away. I'm going over and over different scenes and what I could have done differently or what I wish others would do differently. I've been on the verge of tears since noon but haven't cried. Which at school I was proud about but here at home with Superman out with a friend watching his namesake fight Batman and the Cupcake dreaming sweet dreams I wish I could cry. I wish I could break down because that means all this emotion would release and wouldn't be on my heart or soul anymore. I wish every day I didn't feel so deeply, that everything that's flung my way didn't stick right in my heart. I wish all this feeling would go away. If you knew me in high school - specifically sophomore year - you knew I was a fan of RENT (and that's putting it mildly). I still know every word to every song. RENT changed my life, gave it a perspective I was desperate to have about only having today and to live in love. I need that perspective again. I need something different. This most didn't make much sense, it's jumbled, and I don't think I could sum it up if I tried. Today was a day that weighed on me. Maybe I've had too many days that have weighed on me and now I can't shake it off. I question if I'm strong enough to continue. And yet, the kicker I was still going to sit down and do work tonight. I look at that blue bag but I can't do it. I actually am taking the night off. Putting these random thoughts on paper and hoping it will release me from them. And as I ended that sentence the perfect words came through my speakers and I think it's my signal of that's how I should end it, "Forget regret or life is yours to miss."
