Thoughts on Being a Teacher

Those who can't do, teach. 

When I declared Elementary Education as my major it was at the very end of my sophomore year but it had taken me a lot to get there.  In high school I'd gone through wanting to be a marine biologist, a pastry chef, to wanting to do something with the FBI.  I entered college as a Criminal Justice major.  At the end of my first semester I transferred college and went undecided.  For the next 3 semesters I was going to major in biology, sociology, american studies before I got struck by idea lightening and it all was crystal clear.  Teach.  I was going to be a teacher and I had such passion for it and loved everything that had to do with training to become one.  And I thought I was that exact phrase I started this blog post with.  I tried and couldn't complete so many other things that I got relegated to teach but I was going to embrace it and those next 2 years I truly felt like I was home.  Then I graduated and it was time for me to step out into that teaching world all by myself.  The very first thing I realized in my first year of teaching was that phrase I wrote first in this post was completely wrong.  In order to be a teacher you had to be someone who can do everything.   Just because the school day ended doesn't mean your day ends and just because there is no school day doesn't mean you have a day off.   I've gone into school in the summer, on weekends and even spring break.  I've come home 90% of my nights with another 5-6 hours of work to do.  No other profession I know pours as much of their own money back into their job than teachers do.   You believe I have a summer vacation and holidays off.  My summer vacation - if I'm not in workshops my school has for me then I'm doing stuff on my own.  I'm constantly looking for new things for my classroom or to do in my classroom.  I put my heart into my teaching.  I have Cupcake - she's my child that I actually gave birth too.  However, every year when I have a class they are my children too and I care for and love them as well.  I put not only my heart but my blood, sweat and tears into teaching, into my school and most importantly into my students.  And I know of thousands, if not millions of other teachers anywhere not only in this country but also the world who do the same thing.   

However, that is the side the world doesn't wish to see or comment on.  I'm in a profession where I am constantly the bad guy.  If one teacher is in violation of something and it makes the news then you make us all in violation of something.  I'm not saying every teacher is amazingly fantastic but don't assume because you come across one that is less than stellar that is how we all are.  It takes amazing strength to be a teacher because the deck is constantly stacked against us.  Little by little the autonomy teachers used to have has been stripped away.  You think teachers have a say in what they teach, how they teach it?  No, everything is decided by someone else and passed down to us.  You don't think we want kids to play?  You don't think we want to make it fun?  Of course we do!  If you think otherwise than you really have less of a clue than when I started this blog post.  No, we are told we have to give this test in March/April and your students have to do this well on it and there is no time for anything else.  Not only that, you are constantly being questioned by parents and administrators about the things you do in your classroom.  The number of social media posts or articles on websites I've read about parents complaining about something a teacher did.  No matter who is at fault or what happened, it's always the teachers fault.  Yet, no one cares about the actual person a teacher is.  How many times I've tried to reach a parent during the day about situation at school and couldn't?  More than I can count.  How many times that a parent's gotten angry at me because I didn't get back in 10 minutes when it's not even school hours anymore and I'm at home or it's the weekend?  More than I can count.  I'm a teacher, yes, but I'm also a person with a life like you.  I have a child and pets and other commitments and emergencies pop up in my life too.  So how do I not count as an actual person?  I have relatives and they too also pass away.  My second day teaching I had to leave half day because my grandmother was dying in a hospital in another state.  Yet those never seem to matter.  We live in a profession where no matter how great something we do is, someone will still have a problem with it and we'll still get called into a conference.  I know in life we won't ever make everyone happy but we don't even get the moment to bask in accomplishment.  The latest viral teacher post going around is a dad who is upset that a kid got a stamp about needing lunch money on his arm.  And again, we are bad.  I know exactly why it's being used - the little papers that say it don't get home or if they do they don't get to parents or they get pushed to the side for later and then forgotten.  Instead of going and talking to the school, the dad went straight to media.  We, as the American public, do love our drama but it's always at the expense of people who work hard.  Teachers constantly have to keep doing more and being better to keep their certification, they take workshops, classes and get an advanced degree.  Being a teacher is constantly an uphill battle.  Yet, we still come back each morning, each school year because we are going to get through to our students and we are going to make them better.  Instead of criticizing a teacher or assuming you know how to do their job and attacking them for it take a moment and think of all they do.   The teachers I know are selfless, hardworking people who want to put good in the world. Yet the world only gives bad back to them.  Don't assume because you read a story or see something you don't like that all teachers are like that.  That's all I'm hearing in the news lately is to not judge all by the actions of one, yet still I see teachers still being the bad guy.  

If you are a teacher and you are reading this, you are amazing.  It doesn't always feel like that, I know most of the time it doesn't.  You have strength to keep giving your entire being to your students because everything we do is always for our students.  

If you are not a teacher and you are reading this, do something nice for a teacher.  It doesn't have to be big - in fact, we teachers love small, thoughtful gestures.  

Those who teach, have superpowers. 

Teaching: Thoughts Of A Ending Year

I sit here on the eve of closing the chapter on this 2016-2017 school year and I am trying to find the words to sum up this year.  If you need a refresher here's what I thought at the beginning of the year. Each school year is different and unique because you never have the exact same class as you did before or ever for that matter. This year, was obviously, no exception.  Never have I had a year like I had this year and I never will again. So as the year closes it's time to reflect.  The most succinct way I can put it is I'm not the same person I was when I started this year.  I was teaching a subject I'd never formally learned or been trained in while simultaneously assisting my principal in any and every way.  I'd never had a busier school year.  And throughout most of it I wondered how I ended up here, not being a classroom teacher.  My emotions rollercoasted between loving being able to see and teach so many classes and getting to know so many kids to missing having that core group of babies that were mine.  I took a big leap of faith in things I was doing and marveled at the fact that not so long ago I would have been so scared of screwing up and doing something wrong that I wouldn't have even tried.  But try I did and while I was pushed to do more and to be more I didn't break so I'm even stronger than I ever knew.  I took a lot on and in turn more got heaped on but I truly loved the work I did with my principal.  Teaching art?  Well, that was a different story.  It was way out of my comfort zone but I can say that I tried my best and did a lot of research to make sure I taught something.  It wasn't as good as a fit for me as the other venture.  While I am returning to my school, I'm not sure what my position will be yet but I don't think art will be apart of it.  And that's OK - biggest thing I learned from art is I like the high schoolers but not as their teacher.  A lot happened this year but I'm still amazed that I came out on the other side not broken, still standing.  I think I may even be stronger for stepping into the role and stepping up to the challenge.  In the end, no matter what happened this year I learned more about myself than ever and I think it could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 

Thoughts of a Day: This Is your Teacher's Brain Right Before Spring Break

Tonight there are no pictures or cute stories.  Tonight is not full of printables of songs, quotes or to hang on a classroom wall. Tonight my heart feels heavy.  Today I woke up but something in my spirit didn't feel quite right. I couldn't put my finger on it and nothing specific to point to but I was cautious about my day.  And what a day it was. It went fast but the moments seemed too long.  Today tested me and it stretched my limits.  In the big picture, my day was insignificant and petty.  People elsewhere are wondering how they will survive to the next day because they can't figure out where they will get their next meal from. Families in Brussels had their lives shattered because some idiot thought he was making a statement by blowing up people who didn't do anything but wake up to go about their day and had nothing to do with the decision that "offended" you.  I put my day into perspective and I tell myself repeatedly to shut up. I know where my next meal is coming from. No one I know died today.  And no matter what else happened I still ended the day alive and breathing. So I want to tell myself to shut up, just breathe and move on.  Do that thing that Irish people do so well. Ya know that thing that comedian John Mulaney describes so well, "The plan with Irish people is I'll keep all my emotions right here (pointing to the middle of his chest) and then one day I'll die." And that's what I've done for as long as I can remember. Not wanting to create a burden on someone else, I just kept it inside. And that's not a good option. Those feelings I never shared nearly ended me, literally.  So no matter what perspective I put it in, no matter how I try to play it off today is a day that is weighing on me.  I won't be able to fix it. Today will end and tomorrow will be new and I'll have to move on and see people and talk and go through motions but I wonder will I really hit my reset button tonight. Will I move on? Or will it still feel hollow?  I started this school year optimistic and the biggest contributing factor of that is that I was happy with who I was as a person. I embraced all my inner nerdiness and for the first could have cared less what random people thought or even co-workers or close friends because I can only control me, not them or their reactions. I was doing new things and was doing things I had no idea I was capable I was doing, seeing how strong I really am. Letting people see me crack and show a little crazy too so they could help and we could continue to do great things.  Then it started to all slip from my grasp. Most it's me being paranoid and since 2016 everything that took me so long to build, I was unraveling piece by piece. Frustration has been a near constant companion.  Frustrated and tired of people who could care less do their job or take pride in it. Frustrated and tired of parents not being cooperative partners but instead want to blame teachers and the school when your child didn't perform or didn't behave.  I'm tired of parents not taking responsibility for their children.  I love my daughter. I think she is smart and amazing and creative but she's not perfect and she messes up and she pushes her boundaries. She's a kid, she'll do that. However, I accept she'll falter and fall and sometimes she'll get hurt and sometimes she'll need consequences for her actions so she understand those behaviors are not acceptable and those behaviors will always have consequences no matter how old she is or where she tries to pull them off. She's fallible, just like I am, just as we all are.  She goes to school where I work. I love it. However, just because I work there doesn't mean she needs special treatment. I still love her just as much when I send her off to her classroom with a hug as I do when she tries to get me to come in her classroom to hug her during math and I just wave but won't go in. I need students to take ownership of their learning and their behaviors.  I may not like it, it may not have been safe, you might have made someone bleed or put a wrinkle in their heart but we'll talk about it and we'll move on.  I'm not interested in your excuses or what the other person did (that's between me and that person) I need students to be able to have a dialogue with me so we can have a teachable moment about how we treat others and some strategies to handle different situations that they might not like. Social and emotional education does not end in Kindergarten, it still continues well past elementary school.  I feel frustrated and indignant and I have no control over them. I can only deal with me. So today, I didn't like how some handled or didn't handle their classes or responsibilities, I didn't like how some students were not bothered about not working on their art project on abstract expressionism and took the 0 for the day.  I didn't like how parents think they can barge into an office and talk to me or my principal however you want. I have support at school, I see people who are still trying and haven't given up but I felt alone and beat up upon. Today the feelings didn't bounce off, I couldn't talk them away, I can't sing them away. I'm going over and over different scenes and what I could have done differently or what I wish others would do differently.  I've been on the verge of tears since noon but haven't cried.  Which at school I was proud about but here at home with Superman out with a friend watching his namesake fight Batman and the Cupcake dreaming sweet dreams I wish I could cry.  I wish I could break down because that means all this emotion would release and wouldn't be on my heart or soul anymore.  I wish every day I didn't feel so deeply, that everything that's flung my way didn't stick right in my heart. I wish all this feeling would go away.  If you knew me in high school - specifically sophomore year - you knew I was a fan of RENT (and that's putting it mildly).  I still know every word to every song. RENT changed my life, gave it a perspective I was desperate to have about only having today and to live in love.  I need that perspective again. I need something different. This most didn't make much sense, it's jumbled, and I don't think I could sum it up if I tried.  Today was a day that weighed on me.  Maybe I've had too many days that have weighed on me and now I can't shake it off. I question if I'm strong enough to continue. And yet, the kicker I was still going to sit down and do work tonight.  I look at that blue bag but I can't do it. I actually am taking the night off. Putting these random thoughts on paper and hoping it will release me from them. And as I ended that sentence the perfect words came through my speakers and I think it's my signal of that's how I should end it, "Forget regret or life is yours to miss."